Looking back on my last three months

Wow. It’s kind of weird to think that this journey is coming to an end. As I think back on my experiences over these past months, I find myself feeling a wide range of emotions coming back.

I mentioned it only briefly at the time because I didn’t want to alarm anyone. My first few days and weeks in Barcelona were tough. My very first night was, in fact, very difficult; I’ve never had a panic attack before, but I believe that if someone were observing from the outside, they would have described my actions and thoughts as such. I shed a lot of tears that night, and have shed even more over the following thirteen weeks.

However, as time went on, I eventually started to enjoy the city. Barcelona’s walkability is an aspect I’ll certainly miss. I’ll miss how this city feels alive in a way that’s different from Winnipeg. There are always people around, music, sand-castle builders, dogs and owners playing fetch, joggers, street performers. I’ll miss being the view of the sea and the mountains at the time.  I’ll certainly miss the weather too —  not to rub it in for the folks back home, but I went to the beach four times in October, twice in November, and there were a number of great sunny park days!

I’ve recently given myself permission to “be on vacation”, and my last few weeks have felt much freer. I haven’t done a lot of “touristy” stuff — 8€ to sit on the famous Parc Güell benches? really? — but I am treating myself to dinner out, or even gelato. These last weeks have been a nice way to wrap up this trip.

So, there’s a bit of sadness as I bid farewell to my temporary home.

Do I have any regrets?

Is there anything I wish I could have done differently? Would I change anything I’ve done these past months?

The truth is, I don’t believe so. I’ve had such a wide range of thoughts and emotions that I don’t think I can pinpoint one thing that I’d want to change. I’ve thought “this is so boring”, “this is nice and peaceful”, “I’m lonely”, “oh, god, I quit my job”, “what am I doing here?”, “I’ll let myself enjoy this moment right now”, “what if this is a mistake?” and I’ve gone through this spectrum at different times. I’m. even feeling all of these thoughts / emotions as I write this.  All the things I did and didn’t do are what brought up these feelings.

I know that I needed to be alone with the icky feelings and the tears to peel away layers so that I can get closer to being in touch with my inner-self. Now that I’ve shed this excess baggage, I know wherever I go now, I’ll have that much less weight to carry around with me.

What’s next?

Good question.

I haven’t thought much about what comes next in my life. In fact, I’ve done my best to think only about my present situation, and leave the future for later. I don’t know what my employment is going to be. All I know is that I can’T wait to be home with my husband and so that we can start the next chapter together.

As I end this blog post, I’ll leave you with a few photos that I took while I felt at peace.

A cake I bought to treat myself

A great view from a hike trail

Watching the sea at night

A sunset at the top of one of Barcelona’s mountains

You can find new sandcastles every night

Bonus picture: Mario is everywhere